i am a sinner

well yeah that is what i thought about myself i am a sinner
of all the sins that i have committed comittinng this sin is a big one and yeah hell awaits me in my after life
ok maybe i am exagerating but yeah if i manage to go back to the correct path then i can wait to be in heaven and enjoy peace!!

well besides that schools has been a real toughy!!
ergh!! why is it so difficult y cant it be easy huh?
well no one said it is going to be easy... and u choose to take this path so u gotta earn it and burn it
burn it? erm i m burning it i have been trying my very best to do a pretty decent work?
hello are you sure u are giving ur best? but the result is not showing my dear...
yeah i m sure lah.. ok maybe not really burining but at least i am trying right
well point taken but you can do much much better.. i have read ur scripts and i dare say it is like a 13 year old work... the only distinct thing between you and a 13 year old maybe u have more content or level of maturity but besides that is is just a crap essay full of grammar mistakes
well... u dun have to be that harsh lah i know my command of english is not fantastic and i m trying to be better
well then u should try harder do something about it come on you have only less than 3 mths before this major exam you are sitting for right?
yeaps true then i shall do something about it then..
yeah u should my dear coz the rate i m seeing you do things don't even bother looking forward to apply to a local university and i m serious so GOOD LUCK!!
ergh.....is so irritating so much for helping me to do better... your last comment is so not needed right now..
yeah no one said it is going to be easy
especially imrpoving ur grades.. ok maybe maths and physics it is possible but for gp a language subjects at this rate i m going i aint sure if i can
besides academics, it so hard to forget someone or what is inside you and what is happening to you
everything is so difficult this days...

"i" on the world

ok for the first time ever people i m going to blog on sunday morning before having my breakfast and goiing out for my religious class
this means that i woke up pretty early as compared to all the sundays that is due to the fact that i slept from 7 pm yesterday till 7 am today wohoo 12 hours of sleep!!

anyway back to the topic "i" on the world.
well i went for this seminar organised by the mendaki organisation about venturing out of our comfort zone which is singapore to other parts of the wolrd and claiming our place in the world
as qouted by Mr Izwan in his opening speech,"modern technology together with globlisation equals to opportunity"
well i agreeto his statement that indeed with the aid of modern technology and globlisation there is a lot of opportunity for people like us to grab those oppurtunity and in turn reach to excellence
prior to the talk, we have small group discussions whihic opens my eyes about the wotld that we live in today and encourage me to excel in my studies as well as change the world that we live in
for instance, besides my pursuing my academics, i would love to contribute back to the society using my passion, my interest and my knowledge
well if all my plans goes well and i graduated from nus with degree in nursing, one way is to do my job wellas a trained nurse. Another way is to use my other passion which is fashion. i would love to organise charity fashion shows where proceeds to the sale of the apparel from the showcase will go to various organisations whihic needs the money to help these needy people
the series of fashion shows will be called "Fashion for a Cause" with the interconnected world, contacts from various organisations as well as individuals is crucial to make the charity event a success. well these may sound like a very ambitious project but by writing it down here on my blog will rmeinf me of the purpose of my life in this world and even if i can achieve it now i will know that someday when i make it big in the world this is what i have to do by looking back at my blog entries

well that's it for now... hope that oneday my "Fashion for a Cause" fashion shows will become a reality...

TUESDAY 8 of July 2008

well i decided to blog first before i go and eat and start doing my werk and then study!!
yes study that is the most crucial thing that is happening in my life and i have mentioned abt it countless of times in thihs blog and to my friends
one mysteries of life is that how studies are so important in our life that sometimes we tend to forget to play around and take notice of our emotions and passions
well passion is definitely needed in our studies and yeah i have those passion but emotions that is too overwhleming for me now
today got back my bio results for block and i m not shock that i fail badly in the test
the reason being that i only study one day before the paper that was a mistake that i shall not repeat again
well bio happens before physics and bio just sets the mood for physics today
due to the underperforming results i feel really depressed and dissapointed and at the same time i feel very intimidated by my friends
especially helmi and fahmi and faiz and yas yeah my physics buddies somhow my concepts are just very weak among them lah
that really shows just now during lessons i feel so dumb and useless whenever my friends or even teachers ask me the simplest and obvious concepts in physics coz i just basically cant answer them with confidence unless i know the answer already
having friends who second guess my answer not helping my confidence at all i know i m asking for too much but at least tell me that i m wrong and point out the mistakes
whenever i sit beside those top scorers i feel happy coz i can learn from them but somehow deep inside me i fell so inferior that whenever i ask them again to reconfirm the concepts and understand it better somehow i feel that their souls are screaming out to me and says
" Damn you how many times i have to repeat myselfs!! STUPID FCUK (S.F)!! how slow and dumb can you be huh??"
well thats how i feel sometimes and the inferior soul in me just grew that now i feel so embarrassed and stupid and scared to actually ask my friends whenever i have doubts
i will only ask those "chim" questions but as a matter of fact i m having doubts with my basics
ergh ruzaini now have to step up the game and get his basics right!!
well that was what i was feeling throughout the lessons and my anxiety overwhelms my ablity to control my speech and actions
i shout i laugh and i even cry deep inside with all those concepts torturing me deep inside whenever i fail to recall the concepts form my brain
i keep saying "damn it" and "ergh" and "ohhh" and "i should have done that" during the lessons out loud

well now i know where i am weak and i certainly hope that my inferior part of my soul will have to change and start clearing the doubts!!

i end conversations

well at first don't feel like blogging but after hearing the song "Selepas Kau Pergi" by Laluna thanx to helmi's blog gosh made me so emo-moey and i have to blog to let it out

well the song is not about anything that i m gonna write about but it just makes me emo for now at 1.30 am lah
well friday got back physics paper it's a dissapoinment i should say lah well its kinda expected but at least near to pass lah well this just goes to show that i m still weak. to be frank it hurts to know that i am nowhere close from my friends marks lah especially Helmi and Fahmi why are they so damn good in physics huh? and y am i not as good as them
i know the answer but it still hurts i don't want to repeat a yr in college without them by my side my dearest friends i would rather we all graduate and go NS the UNI at the same time
i know now that i have to work doubly hard butit is near impossible for me to give up totally this wonderful computer, tv and life
but for my future sake i will just HAVE to do it no matter what
my teacher once said we have to choose either 4 months of pure hell/ hardship or years and years of regrets and misery
well i choose 4 mths lah
RUZ PLEASE DO YOUR WORK FROM NOW ON AND PLEASE DON"T EMO COZ THAT WILL JUST SLOW YOU DOWN
oh yah its official that ruz always ends the conversation with his stupid comments lah and he cant continue jokes for nuts
well besides that everything is ok exept for something that is uberly personal to me...