jealous yet happy?

i am jealous yet happy?

what kind of feeling is that? what kind of person am i? am i so confused or what huh?

i don't know somehow i feel these way ,jealous about someone or something but then i feel happy for them for being able to achieve that(whatever i m jealous of).

well i m a very jelaous person, if ppl read in my super old entries, i will always want what others get. Awesome grades, fantastic life, bestest friends, privelleges at their fingertips and many more.

so i decided to type down what i feel deep inside.

yes the truth that has been hiding in me i m VERY JEALOUS of my Friends!!

there i have said it.. BUT... at the same time i am very happy for in whatever i m jealous abt

i guess i m those kind of person who is very hungry aye.. i will never be satisfied with what i have and will always want to be the same or on par with them arh..

is that good or bad eh? being competitive and all but is that kind of attitude even appropriate at all times? but then again when i question myself why i was never better or same as them and i found the reason why. i did not go all out to achieve that something arh. things that my friends are working on.. i procrastinate, i am timid i did not dare to take chances, make decissions that takes forever, always on the safe side and not on the road less travelled by,not garang enough...

and the reason why i am happy is because i saw in their every faces the joy of acheiving what they fight for, i realise that hey if i dun get it at least my freinds do and i at least know what it feels like to be what they are and what i am not that makes me happy. their joy and thus even if i am jealous there is no hatred but rather a drive for me to go all out and work hard to achieve better things in the future...

ruz you can do it

after 1 year and i am back

well it has been 1 year and a lot has happen to me lately

FIRSTLY A LEVEL IS SO OVER LAH HAHA

so happy can heheh and i already gotten back my results it is not fantastic but it is gd enough for me to be accepted to my dream course NURSING at NUS and i will be studying there in 2011 cant wait this bring me to the second point...

SECONDLY I AM OFFICIALLY SERVING THE COUNTRY!!!

i cant say much but it has been a pleasure serving the country for 8 months now. while some may say that it is a total waste of time but actually it is not.. it is the period for you to discover one's ability,talent,character, strength and weakness. i must say i was one of them who thinks that it is a waste of time but after going through it i realise how important for a Singaporean to defend it's own LAND... though i was dissapointed not selected for further leadership trg SISPEC/OCS it was my fault not trg hard enuf but then i m glad of my vocation now.

THIRDLY, IT IS THE RAMADHAN MONTH ONCE AGAIN..more post on that when it actaully starts lah eh..

FOURTHLY, MY EMOTIONS

lets just say this past few weeks or past few days i had a lot of reflectus moments.

1. i realise i find happiness in people that i treasure most my loved ones, my friends.

i am very happy when my friends are happy. happy that they finally find someone they love and their love return back to them. happy that they get what they want, happy that they finally get into UNI, happy that they are just happy, happy that they find peace in their life , happy that they have someone to talk to...

ohyah that reminds me.. HELMI AND MADHIAH congrats on getting together happy that u guys are happy together..and to my first SIS who finally got married to her loving HUSBAND. this i m superly happy about... happily married after 7 years of getting to know each other..

2. i wonder if i can give that same level of happiness to them? surely i think i have but then.. i doubt that i can give so much happiness to that someone special in the future. will i be like those lovey dovey couple ..whispering sweet nothings on way back home.. with conversations that make the other party feel the warmth the presence of another someone talking and listening to you that makes you feel so belong to someone...

3. i have been a neglecting on my religion.well lets just say i havent been a good boy and yeah i guess i got drifted away from reality of who am i and my commitment to my religion. so immersed in the material world that i forgot that i have a higher being to pay my respect to to serve him(Allah) it is about time that i stay rooted to the ground and pay more attention to him

4.i have been going out a lot and yeah i miss spending time with my family

5.i realise that i m not ready to be in a relationship lets just say not in another 2 or 3 years time

i still need to find and understand myself before i can understand someone else so that i can give what i noted in point 1 ad 2....

its has been a lovely year and i hope it will stay that way...

oh yah FAHMI is flying off to BRUNEI for 1 year i will miss him a lot

LIM JING FENG is flying there too also but god knows when

TAN SZE HERNG is flying off to thailand today

SHAUN my sec sch bestie is also flying there to serve the country i will miss them a lot
as for me i will still be here serving the nation though i hope that will be given the oppurtunity to better serve my country...

song of the day, merindu kepastian by art fazil